Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Santa's Little Helper, Clea Cutthroat

Santa's Little Latex Helper
Clea Cutthroat
Photo: Daria Marchik
As we all know, Santa has many little "helpers." However it's hard to really name one because they have always taken the backdoor position all these years to the man in the flashy red suit.

Well fate is a mysterious thing and I happen to know one of those "helpers" who tells Santa what to gift celebrities. "Yes" this is like a version of The National Enquirer except we are dishing on secrets from behind the Christmas "bear," I mean "beard."

Burlesque Beotch, Berlin's Clea Cutthroat is here to dish on what she has told Santa to get for the following ten celebrities. That's right Clea is here to judge whether they have been naughty or nice!

How does she rate you ask? You'd have to ask Santa that...Ho Ho Ho!

Margaret Cho, The Girl With The Drag Queen Tattoos
Photo: Dusti Cunningham
Margaret Cho
What to get a badass lady like Margaret Cho?

I want to give her something golden, some jewels.

I know! A golden pussy lipstick case, with ruby labia lips latch. I would also make her lipsticks in her favorite colors, and the tubes would be little golden cocks. Everything would be monogramed with “MC”. That would be fierce!!!!! Hmmmm…maybe, I need to make one for myself too!

Take Imodium!
Donald Trump
Donald Trump.
I can think of a lot of things to give him, but none of them are nice.

But hate doesn’t kill hate right? Awareness and compassion are so much more powerful. Wait! I got it! I would give Donald Trump a six-month intensive with a life coach- Bernie Sanders! If anyone can get into that brain…Bernie can!

I think I believe in Bernie more than Santa Claus.

But, out of fairness to Bernie, Santa needs to give him a BIG present, every day, for the rest of his life in repayment, lol.

Jared Leto
Jared Leto
A brush? A mirror? All I can think of is his hair, lol.

Come Up & See Me Sometime, Clea
Madonna…Madonna…how I adore thee. I mean, what do you get the woman you have tattooed on your arm?!

I think I would get Madonna 8 Sexy Santa-ettes, 7 sexy elves, 6 bondage-clad reindeer, 5 stocking full of sex toys, 4 leather daddies to massage her, 3 hot girls in tuxedos to serve her champagne and lobster, 2 pairs of jingle balls (cough cough), and 1 Clea Cutthroat.

Saint Laverne Cox
Laverne Cox
Laverne has done so much, I have the urge to give back to her, and give her a day of pampering.

I’d get her a week holiday at a spa resort on the beach. Facials (no pun intended), manicures, pedicures, massages, drinks, sun…fun.

She deserves it!

The Art Of The Dita Von Teese
Dita Von Teese
Dita seems like a hot, cool, funny chick to me.

I would like to get her something fun!

I think I would get her the twerking butt sex machine. I would cover it in Swarovski’s just for her. I think it even comes with a remote control…total party win! Would look great on her bed, mounted on the wall…on the kitchen top, kitchen table…bathtub! It’s a real personality piece, and it’s a gift that just keeps on giving…and giving. I believe it’s a must have. I’m just drumming my fingers on the computer here waiting for it to appear on “Oprah’s favorite things” list.

Charlie Sheen
Which Partridge? Laurie?
Charlie Sheen
Oh Charlie. A lawyer? ….and a partridge in a pear tree

Hey Elizabeth, It's Flu Season!
Elizabeth Berkley
I would take Elizabeth out to get manicures like in Showgirls. Then a dress from Versace, and then when she is rolling her eyes at me (because people probably do this all the time) I would throw my arm around her, laugh, and say, “Come on girl, we’re gonna make it rain on some strippers!”

…and then a limo would pick us up and we would go to the Cheetah in Las Vegas.

Yeah…basically, it’s more about me living out my Showgirls movie fantasy. But, isn’t Christmas about giving, not receiving? ; )

I Take After My Dad
Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber
A gift certificate for a new tattoo? Hair gel? A long walk on the beach? Some understanding? A shoulder to cry on? A slap in the face? A boot to lick?

Maybe I would get him a session with a Dominatrix. I think that would pretty much tie all his needs up in a little red….rope ; )

Caught! Practicing On A Cheeto
Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian
Hmmm…Kim is a tough one. But, given the holiday spirit, and we need to put our differences aside (unless you are Donald Trump). I think I would take Kim out to a Drag Bar to get wasted! Poor thing probably needs a break from Kayne, right?

Maybe after a few martinis I can get her to spit some blood, rip off her couture and stage dive into the arms of drag queens! How awesome would that be?!?!

You are welcome! ; )
Ho Ho Ho!

Happy Holidays Everyone!

What do you want from Clea this Christmas? Tell her at:


No comments:

Post a Comment