In Case Of Emergency...

Erika Jayne

What does one do "In Case Of Emergency" well my go to is the use of sarcasm. Seen delivered above by the Queen of it on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Erika Jayne.

If someone tries to take you down verbally, give them the gift that keeps on giving and take what they said stated to you and weaponize it against them.

Works like a charm every time and you don't even need to raise your voice.

There's your pro-tip for the day and aren't you happy?!

Part 1 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion starts this Thursday at 8 on BRAVO.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on the WWW -

https://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills  

She's Back!

Erika Jayne

The person known as Erika Jayne is finally back! She put Dorit Kemsley in her place with nothing more than her pointed dagger humor and simplicity on this past weeks RHOBH.

Dorit went after Erika and decided to call her a mid section with a "C" 

Well Erika was not going to have it, she was the first woman in the group to use the word and wasn't going to let Dorit take credit for using it against her, nor let being called it upset her.

She schooled Dorit hard, fast and razor sharp!

Refer to the meme above and seize the day you c#nts!

Erika on IG -

https://www.instagram.com/theprettymess/?hl=en 

Current Mood

The Only Erika That Matters, Erika Jayne

While scrolling through Social Media I happened upon this, I assume, candid image of Erika Jayne of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills.

Upon seeing it I had all the feels of my Current Mood. "Yes" this is how I am feeling at present and this is actually the kindest way I can express it. Trust me if you wanted me to share my actual thoughts you would bear witness to a way harsher form of self expression, indeed.

Kudos to whoever captured this image of Erika and a feel good shout out to the diva for giving zero f#cks about it.

Hope your Current Mood is more stellar than mine, don't forget to brush your teeth...

Toothbrush Drop!

Erika on IG -

https://www.instagram.com/theprettymess/?hl=en 

Hump Day & Chill

Erika Jayne

Here we are one week and one day until Halloween! So I guess it's time to Hump Day & Chill and spill what I am going to be...I'm going to be what Erika Jayne is in the photo above a "Dom Top."

Translation: I'm not really dressing up, I'm simply raiding my actual wardrobe 

A bit too cheeky on this HD&C for October 23, 2024?

Too bad you won't be there for the big reveal....

Hump Day & Chill! Cheers!

Erika Jayne on IG -

https://www.instagram.com/theprettymess/?hl=en

Erika de Vil

Separated at Birth?
Erika Jayne & Cruella di Vil

OK, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fans, of which, in case you were unaware, I am. First off let's address the elephant in the room. On what planet does Erika Jayne think it was appropriate to suggest the Crystal Minkoff, rather then purge, take laxatives to for her eating disorder because it would be easier than praying to the Porcelain God?!?!

Perhaps on Planet Claire? While we all know Erika is wasted on medication and alcohol, which Crystal chalks the "advice" up to. I have to wonder if it's projection at this point on Ms. Jayne's part. No matter how wasted I have been that is something I would have never said in this scenario, thus I'm on team projection, while wasted, and not very elegantly I might add.

Whatever the case it did make for a jaw dropping moment of TV and that's what keeps the audience watching.

Thus when I saw this meme juxtaposing Erika with Cruella de Vil, well if the Dalmatian Coat fits...

T.G.I.F!

If you need help with an eating disorder or know someone who does please contact 

The National Eating Disorder Association at -

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline   

Michael's Musings

My Doppelganger
Michael Shinafelt

My doppelganger brings all the boys to the yard...

What's new pussycat, whoa, whoa, whoa! Seriously what's new? I am curious yellow please do tell, or not. Whatever...I made it to the gym for the first time in two months on Tuesday. Me and my boot, hey it was made for walking, at least that bloody cast is off and I can now wash my right foot. "Yes" I said goodbye to right foot odor this week, Yay!

Now about that other issue, that one time at band camp when my doppelganger took over...

I draw inspiration from the meta, don't judge me 

The 21st record breaking season of one of my favorite TV shows, Law & Order: SVU premieres tonight, woot!

Keep others afraid of you by calling Fall "the harvest"

Remember it's head spinning season, spin it like a record baby!

The Emmy's happened this past weekend. The Kardashians presenting on them got laughed at like Carrie. I Tweeted about it and Entertainment Tonight used my Tweet in their post Emmy write-up. Here is the link: https://www.etonline.com/did-kim-kardashian-and-kendall-jenner-get-laughed-at-while-presenting-at-2019-emmys-132923

You say Label, I say Whore = Label Whore

The Impeachment process against Trump has been implemented. Let the cartoons begin!

On that note enjoying someone's public downfall does not pay your bills, stay focused

Woman Crush of the Week - Erika Jayne she'll be giving plenty of moxie as Roxie

If I told you once, I told you twice, I'm obviously not going to say it three times fast, duh

Mary Wilson of the Supremes was the first to go on Dancing With The Stars, in case you care

The best advice I can give you? Never give unsolicited advice

Are you a FOMO-sapien?

If you can't fly in the big leagues, stay off the broom

Soon I will be spread eagle somewhere, join me at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt

Current Mood

Can't Fight This Feeling!
Lisa Rinna 

This photo of Lisa Rinna motoring to a yoga class with a T-Shirt slogan that reads "Good Vibes" is my post Labor Day Current Mood.

I feel very zen at present as I sit at the computer in the home stretch of my recovery from surgery. 

Lisa is currently embroiled in shooting Season 10 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. We shall see how the show does post the hemorrhaging of ruling Queen Bee, the other Lisa, Lisa Vanderpump. 

They've added two newcomers instead of one to replace LVP, Garcelle Beauvis & Rinna friend and ally Sutton Stracke. Which is leading to speculation that Erika Jayne may be out this season or demoted to friend of the show via a recent cast announcement for the upcoming season minus her name.

Oh the drama! Season 10 has barely begun shooting and woot there it is! 

Honestly I'll take a yoga mat and some "Good Vibes" over drama any day.

Namaste.

"Good Vibes" on Dictionary.com -
https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/good-vibes/  

Michael's Musings

The Man Behind The Perma Smirk
Michael Shinafelt 

Last night I dreamt of  French Dip sandwiches and Gin Martini's - but it was actually my reality carried over from my evening at Musso and Frank in Hollywood saying bon voyage to my BFF Brittney before she high tails it to Dallas, Texas that is. We had a grand time at the legendary Hollywood eatery. Oh, and I do highly recommend the French Dip, divine!

Nothing brings a bunch of c#nts together faster than something that is none of their f#cking business - there I said it!!!

Lisa Rinna was sporting a new look at Erika Jayne's concert on the RHOBH that made her look like Dorit Kemsley's brunette doppelganger 

Who has the better booty Captain Marvel or Captain America? Inquiring minds want to know...

So when are they going to arrest the Game of Thrones dragon who started the Notre Dame Cathedral fire?

Wanna see something really scary? Asking for a friend.

A phrase I use on a weekly basis is: "Save me a bike whore" - the more you know

Spend time with people who have been there, done that

About Last Night...
Brittney & Yours Truly @ Musso & Frank

Bye, Bye, Bye "It's Brittney Bitch"

R.I.P. Tim Conway - a true genius 

If I offend you cry me a river, I'll bring snacks and a raft

Sometimes I wonder why. That is all.

The wicked run when no one is chasing them...there are so many names I could add to this list...

Goat Yoga, whhhhhhhhhyyyyyy?!

Psssst! I'm ten times the bitch you could ever hope to be, wipe your nose and run along now

Wanna be starting something? Follow me at: 
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt   

Just Because....Pat The Puss

Eye Of The Tiger
Zachary Levi

Just Because he's so damned cute, Just Because he has a movie coming out based on a Saturday morning TV Show I used to watch & Just Because he gives a whole new meaning to Erika Jayne's signature move "pat the puss" - Ladies & Gentlemen I bring you Zachary Levi!

See Zachary giving his own spin on "pat the puss" at a photo call for his new movie Shazam in London."Yes" it's Mr. Levi patting a different sort of puss than Erika Jayne, a stuffed tiger to be exact. 

Whilst I watched Shazam as kid, I have no desire to see the movie. Honestly it looks lame. The only way I would go see it is if Zachary were going to appear fully naked in it and pat something other than the puss. If you get my drift and I know you do... 

So that's what's new today pussycat - minus the whoa oh on this Friday March 22, 2019.

Michael just sayin'.

Zachary on Twitter -

https://twitter.com/ZacharyLevi 

Michael's Musings

In Your Face
Michael Shinafelt

This past weekend the Academy Awards happened and proved after a progressive 2018 show when Moonlight won Best Picture, that there must have been a momentary loss of sense and sensibility from the old van guard because they were back in full force by touting Green Book Best Picture this year. Which would have been a great film if it had been made the year I was born 1965.

Oh and Michael Cohen testified against a B!tch Baby, I mean Donald Trump yesterday. In other news...

"He lied a lot" - Postcards From A B!tch Baby 

This is me waving my middle finger at Facebook, yeah I am being censored and bullied right now or I'd show it to you.

Your Porn Star name is your first name + your last name, because it's you. You're a ho!

How the Hell did Krysten Ritter rate to be an Oscar presenter...WTF?!

"Come again?" - interpretation is everything

That's so very

Erika Jayne is looking like a Drag Queen this season on RHOBH - she would most likely take this as a compliment. I most likely don't mean it as one. 

I didn't know you were gay, my car needs more work

Adult Depends Whore

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party - that is all 

This is the noise that keeps me awake - that's for me to know and you to find out.

Quiche Lorraine - dinner is served

Shout out to Selma Blair, you get down with your bad self!

Stop being shady, be obscene instead 

Me? I'm serving up eggplant realness right here, right now on the WWW -

https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt   

The Real Housewives Of Coachella

Hello Coachella
l-r
Kyle Richards, Lisa Rinna & Teddi Mellencamp

In case you have been living under a rock, one of the biggest music festivals in the world, Coachella in Southern California is happening, right now, as it shall be.

What would a high profile event like this be without some of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills I ask you? Answer me, I asked you. I'm waiting...

Half of them managed to hit the festival with chutzpah and of course fashion, "yes" a trio.

Said threesome consisted of Lisa Rinna, Kyle Richards & newcomer Teddi Mellencamp. See how stylish they look in the image above, I know you do. I follow all three of them on Instagram and there are some fun video clips of them frolicking at the fest - say that three time fast.

I also follow Erika Jayne who was there DJ'ing for Moschino. None of the abovementioned women attended her set. Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmmm....

Tonight is the season finale of the RHOBH can't wait!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on the WWW at:
www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills  

Michael's Musings

The Doctor Is Out!
Michael Shinafelt

"Oh, Doctor, doctor, can't you see I'm burning, burning, Oh, Doctor, doctor, is this love I'm feeling?" - Thompson Twins

I don't know about you, but I feeling like I need to get physical. Oh, doctor, please give it to me. Gladly, how do you like it???

My finger is on the trigger, now cough...welcome to this weeks musings, strap one on it's going to be a horny ride, or not. Life is a mystery, and a mixed bag. Get used to it.

Stop using sex as a weapon, well that's no fun!

Erika Jayne in latex on this weeks RHOBH - Mic Drop!

Alligator Lesbians in the sewer, discuss

Once upon a time I was 213 pounds and 5' 7" -  now I am 179 pounds, oh and I did all this at 52 years young. Stay tuned more weight is going to get lost!

Favorite quote about my recent weight drop? "Awesome, get out your leisure pants and 8 track player. The 70's are back!" -  Robert Krzeski

Someone at Uber hacked my bank account this week

Let's get back to being horny, it's more fun!

When you feel yourself you _____ yeah I like to tease

"There are many ways to be free. One of them is to transcend reality by imagination, as I try to do" - Anais Nin 

Got Wahlburgers???

Hit Wahlburgers on the Sunset Strip for the first time this week for lunch with Partners In Crime Jackie Kilmer & Ken Phillips - "yes" it was orgasmic

That time you put your hand on your....and it went something like....that

 "You aren't too smart, are you? I like that in a man" - Kathleen Turner, Body Heat

On a personal note,  I like my men smart

Sometimes it snows in April

What's new pussycat? Find out and follow me at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt    

Michael's Musings

Color Me Curious...
Micheal Shinafelt

“Curiouser and curiouser!” - Alice, Alice in Wonderland

Considering the state of the world we live in, I find this quote from Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland quite appropo.

Sometimes you wake up and feel like you have fallen down a rabbit hole, and other days you feel like you are in another dimension. It's all how you process it that matters. 

Enjoy your personal journey, you only live once minions...

Shout out to Lisa Rinna's Mom Lois on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Seriously that woman at 89 is amazing!

Claim your slut box

Flan

There's a new movement happening: C#nt Power!

I dream of egregious cookware 

Turn the page for an alternate ending

Don't drop bombs (literally, metaphorically....etc.)

Please can it about Kylie Jenner's baby, seriously, you've all seen a baby before. Why is one from a celebrities vagina such a huge deal.

Congratulations to Erika Jayne on the launch of her book Pretty Mess 

Sorry Jennifer Aniston 

Hey Justin Theroux, I'm ready for our one night stand now

While I want a hot body, and have lost 30lbs and counting, I also want mass quantities of pizza

Ready Player One, Really WTF?!

Wake up and smell your _____ burning (the blank is yours)

On that note, follow me at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt 

Michael's Musings

Red Hot? Or Mellow Yellow?
Michael Shinafelt

"Between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before" - Mae West

I don't know about you, but I am feeling quite yummy today. I'd like to try something new. An evil perhaps? Or...use your imagination if you have one, of course you do!

Yellow or red, the choice is yours. Let's smeeeeeeelllll what Michael is cooking!

Kudos to the students who walked out for 17 minutes yesterday in protest of gun violence. One word: amazing!

The Safe Word is: Stormy Daniels

I love the smell of Cheetos and Tuna in the morning...NOT!

Saw one of my favorite partners in crime, Julie McMahon for lunch yesterday at The Cheesecake Factory in Beverly Hills. The more you know.

A friend of mine, thought Erika Jayne was a total "mean girl" for the way she attacked Teddi Mellencamp on RHOBH this week. While I think the punishment was harsher than the crime, I understood Erika's POV.

That's two mentions for Beverly Hills thus far in my column this week, holla!

There needs to be a band named: No Weed For A Bitch

I need Scandal to surprise and thrill me tonight

Notice Augustus Gloop and Donald Trump are never in the same room together?

R.I.P. The amazing, brilliant, one of a kind Stephen Hawking

So excited, there is going to be a live DJ in one of my favorite spin instructors, Jessica's class today at Gold's Gym Hollywood.

How does it feel to want??? Really, tell me.

Dear Martin Shkreli - Karma's a bitch motherf#cker!

Good Morning, I see the assassins have failed

Hit me with your best shot at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt  

Michael's Musings

Seeing Red
Michael Shinafelt

This week I am seeing red, not necessarily in a bad way, maybe somewhere split down the middle.

Perhaps Valentines Day had some sort of influence on my fixation. Or, perhaps not.

What did I do for VD yesterday? Fluff up your pillow & dream...

1,2,3 - 1,2,3 I'm gonna swing from the chandelier!

Let's bump crowns

I had a rockin' photo shoot this past Sunday

Beware of the cross armed hyena

On this weeks RHOBH Erika Jayne brought her assistant to Teddi Mellencamp's beach house and then stayed in a Hotel, alrighty then

Meghan Markle & Kate Middleton are friends, the world can rest in peace now

To my friend & confidant, producer Shani Bayne. Have a fun time skiing in France!

Sometimes, when I am extremely bored I think to myself: If I were one of the Spice Girls what would I do?

Special Delivery Package
Jon Hamm

Who else besides me wants to be a pair of Jon Hamm's pants? Holla!

Stormy Daniels, your check is in the mail

Why?

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Make it rain

Get your red on with me at:

https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en

https://twitter.com/MShinafelt  

Michael's Musings

These Guns Weren't Made For Shooting
Michael Shinafelt

"Relax, don't do it, When you want to suck it, chew it, Relax, don't do it
When you want to come" - Relax, Frankie Goes To Hollywood 

There's a lot to suck and chew on in the world at present, Michael says "Relax" and what better way to than ______ fill in your own blank.

Without further preamble, here is my first musings column of 2018 on this Thursday the 3rd of January, kick back and give it a name...

Like my photo this week? "Yes" I still need to lose more than the 24 lbs I dropped, but I've got guns a blazing!

Lesson Of The Week: Carbs make you doody

Chicks with dicks, is it so wrong?

That isn't blood, it's Strawberry Jam!

Teddi Mellencamp has dethroned Erika Jayne as my favorite RHOBH. Don't fret Erika you are still a close second.

Congratulations to Ellen Page and her girlfriend Emma Portner on their getting hitched

There can only be one set of hooker twins. So it is written and so it will be.

Congrats Ariel!
Me & Ariel Beesley

Ariel Beesley has a great single out "Slower Than Usual" spin it right round, here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTsM2Y07iBI

When does Scandal return? Can't wait to see how they wrap the final season

"If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you" - Louis Hay

Snowballing, discuss

If I cut your hair you will wake-up F#cking bald!

Word on the street is that peeps who take too many selfies are perhaps mentally ill...Oooooops, my bad!

Get down with your, and my bad self at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt    

Michael's Musings

It's All Fun & Games Until...
Michael Shinafelt

Christmas has come and gone and now we are moving on up to 2018, ponder that. Thus this weeks column may be a tad repetitive, considering all the things that have led up to it.

Or perhaps it won't. Whatever, I'm rebel just for kicks now, might've had your fill, but I feel it still...

Wanna be on my level today? Climb!

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? Asking for a friend.

Current Mood? Fuschia 

My Mom visited moi for Christmas, best present ever!

Oh, we went and saw I, Tonya - loved it! Yes, that's a recommendation.

I gained a mere 3 lbs over Christmas, child's play, off in no time

Yoga put a ring on it yesterday 

Sex Cells
Me & Traci Lords

In case you didn't know I went to Sex Cells this past Friday to hang with the awesome Traci Lords

Where in the world is...(you know someone whose name should be here) 

Shout Out to my buddy Tom Connan who has a brilliant new single out Charlie - listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIBZ5kklVAM

Speaking of Charlie's isn't A Charlie Brown Christmas one of the best Holiday specials ever?

Who the F#ck is styling Lisa Rinna & Erika Jayne during their confessionals this season on RHOBH? Ladies, just say "No"

Speaking of "No" that is what I say every year when my Dr. tries to convince me to get a flu shot. Guess what? I never get the flu and people I know who receive the shot get sick, Hmmmmmmm...

On that note, follow me and party like it will be 2018 the next time we connect. Why? Because it will be! 

https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en

https://twitter.com/mshinafelt?lang=en

Michael's Musings

Santa Bear
Michael Shinafelt

"Santa Bear-by, an auto space convertible too, light blue, I'll wait up for you, dear" - Santa Baby, Eartha Kitt 

This is my last column before Christmas, ya know Last Christmas (nudge, wink) Ho, ho, ho Santa Bear is here! Thus my minor alteration of the Holiday Classic Santa Baby originally sung by the unsinkable Eartha Kitt.

So? What would you like Santa Bear to stuff your stocking with? I think I know the answer to that...

Gimme, gimme, gimme an ass burger after midnight 

Monday was my Birthday and it was fun!

I also celebrated Tuesday too, you can't keep a good Bear down!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is back and brought the gift that keeps on giving, Erika Jayne

Every moment is fleeting, every moment is incredible

Rose McGowan v Meryl Streep - who would have ever thunk it?!

How about those Golden Globe Nominations???

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...
Mike Clifford

Mike Clifford's video for "The Christmas Song" has gotten over 500 views. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and hit it minions at this link! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2v214rx7AE

Santa Bear wishes our country's nightmare would end. He hates bad dreams...

When I am down, I simply want to stick my face in some caviar

Zac Efron, king of surprise mustaches 

Do you know the way to San Jose? 

I don't have to buy it, I already own it

Peace on earth, goodwill towards your fellow human beings. Decency doesn't cost a thing, please give.

If you have been naughty, and I know you have, get with me at:

https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/mshinafelt?lang=en