Michael's Musings

Join Me?
Michael's Musings

Mueller, Muller, Muller that's all I ever hear, so let's take a sabbatical with Michael, Michael, Michael - You know you want it minions, it's time...

Who is this milk-bull, and how can I trap him in my esophagus?

Denise Richards on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is my spirit animal!

How fast do you think Meghan Markle doffed her high heels after the photo of her Prince Harry and Archie was clicked? Ouch!

Seriously, it only takes thirty seconds?

Am I the only one who thought Tinsley Mortimer's ringmaster get up on The Real Housewives of New York was so Baby Jane Hudson?

Trader Joe's organic Flaxseed, two tablespoons every morning, the more you know

Booze, it's a family affair

Spitters suck, think about it, but not too much

Archie & Sabrina
KJ Apa & Kiernan Shipka

“me & the royal baby. congrats meghan & harry!” - Kiernan Shipka

People will stare, make it worth their while

Caught a screening of the great film Wild Things with my spirit animal Denise Richards in it on the rooftop of The Montalban in Hollywood last night - "F#ck Off!"

Witches who paddle board, discuss

Marie Osmond is joining The Talk I may actually DVR an episode now, yeah I've never seen it

Whoever is trying to bring you down is already below you

I have a head for business and a bod for sin, so follow me at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt  

Michael's Musings

I'm Wild Again, Beguiled Again -
Michael Shinafelt

“In Xanadu did Kubla Khan, A stately pleasure-dome decree" Samuel Taylor Coleridge 

That's correct minions I am kicking off this Thursday with a quote used in the movie Xanadu starring one of my all time favorites Olivia Newton-John. Not sure why this particular opus is on my mind, I believe it may be in reaction to the world at large. Xanadu is escapist fare all the way, escaping, yeah that's today's ticket...

Surreal Moment of the week: Billy Idol meeting the RHOBH

My gangsta name? Five Speed Douche

Accidental anal hair, discuss...

His breath really smelled, perhaps he ate some ass before Spin Class

I'm watching you, oh yes I am

That can't be the only gorilla suit in Germany!

Crazy Boxing Guy the myth is real

When visiting the super bloom beware of the Wicked Witch of the West

Caught a screening of The Breakfast Club on the rooftop of The Montalban Theater in Hollywood last night. Still a great film!

He's Still Got It @ 63
Billy Idol

Speaking of Billy Idol...with a Rebel Yell, baby!

Don' you forget about me

Beware of dogs with agendas 

Frozen Blueberries - that's all

It's better with a concubine 

Come up to the lab and see what's on my slab at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt   

Michael's Musings

It Ain't Heavy, It's My Crown
Michael Shinafelt

When Paris is actually burning, the Kavanaugh/Blasey Ford hearing is a focus on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and my Freeform app on my computer isn't loading this weeks episode of Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists (other apps are working, so this is on you Freeform) - you just know you are in for something extra this week!

Notre Dame, Notre Dame (insert these two words into Prince's classic, in lieu of Purple Rain, it gels)

Lisa Rinna's  Mom Lois is the definition of amazing!

WTF?! "Yes" Freeform I'm talking to you...

Take a look at Teddi Mellencamp on this weeks RHOBH at Camille (blech) Grammar's shower and you will wonder why she wasn't hired as fake Melania 

I see transvestite hookers

Where's Eddie Murphy when you need him?

Honestly this weeks episode of RHOBH went political, like a virgin, for the very first time touching on the Kavanugh/Blasey Ford hearing. It was the show I never knew I needed, but did. One of the best of all seasons!

Still can't view PLL: The Perfectionists - Freeform can you hear me??? 

Well my new TV arrives this week, it had better be ON DEMAND or you will be hearing from me, wait you already have and (silence like the plethora of thrillers of late)

Camille Grammar, thanks for reminding me why I initially couldn't stand you on RHOBH. Just when I was actually starting to like you, you had to go and compare yourself to Brett Kavanaugh and side with him. The charade has ended, please let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Michelle Williams killing it as Gwen Verdon in Fosse/Verdon (see Freeform my other apps do work)

Patricia Mae Andrzejewski = Pat Benatar's real name

TMZ has been notified - a text I received from someone working on a current project with the Kardashians. This is all part of the way they do business.

Just like the white winged dove

That's a wrap! Come dish with me at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt  

(Cock)tails in Vega$

Would You Like A (Cock)tail?
Lisa Vanderpump & The Chippendales Dancers 

With all of the buzz about tonight's episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, you know the one where Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle Richards have a screaming match and Lisa's husband Ken joins the chorus. I thought a happy image of Lisa Vanderpump was in order today. The woman has been through a lot this past year people cut her some slack!

It's no surprise that Vanderpump is quite happy at the opening of her latest venture Vanderpump Cocktail Garden in Vega$ being as she certainly is surrounded by some cock & tail. "Yes" Lisa V. is flanked by Chippendales Dancers. You know those guys who strip, can I get an Hallelujah and a fist bump? Of course I can!

Not only that, but the fact that it's home is the world famous Caesar's Palace also must be putting some pep in her step.

Cheers to a diamonds and rose' sort of day, the calm before tonight's RHOBH sh!t storm if you will. "Yes" we will and thank you very much, Michael has left the building -

Vanderpump Cocktail Garden on IG -
https://www.instagram.com/vanderpumpvegas/  

It's Raining RHOBH

United Front
Kyle Richards, Teddi Mellencamp, Lisa Rinna & Dorit Kemsley

It's raining again today in La La Land, literally. It is also raining Real Housewives of the Beverly Hills variety.

In a season that is clearly on of the best of the show, number 9 to be exact, is knocking the proverbial sh!t hitting the fan out of the park!

In a clearly divisive season where Queen Bee Lisa Vanderpump is in the process of losing her throne as everyone is against her for her manipulative ways. Trust me she is - this is juicy stuff week after week.

While I know these shows are produced there is truth to the actual situations. Case in point? Bear witness to Kyle Richards, Teddi Mellencamp, Lisa Rinna & Dorit Kemsley hitting Craig's in West Hollywood.

These women joined forces against the Lisa Vanderpump in this past weeks episode and it's obviously their way of saying LVP is going to be taken down, wait for it...it's not going to happen now, I said wait for it. I know you will.

Stay dry minions!!!

RHOBH on the WWW -
https://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills

Michael's Musings

In Your Face
Michael Shinafelt

This past weekend the Academy Awards happened and proved after a progressive 2018 show when Moonlight won Best Picture, that there must have been a momentary loss of sense and sensibility from the old van guard because they were back in full force by touting Green Book Best Picture this year. Which would have been a great film if it had been made the year I was born 1965.

Oh and Michael Cohen testified against a B!tch Baby, I mean Donald Trump yesterday. In other news...

"He lied a lot" - Postcards From A B!tch Baby 

This is me waving my middle finger at Facebook, yeah I am being censored and bullied right now or I'd show it to you.

Your Porn Star name is your first name + your last name, because it's you. You're a ho!

How the Hell did Krysten Ritter rate to be an Oscar presenter...WTF?!

"Come again?" - interpretation is everything

That's so very

Erika Jayne is looking like a Drag Queen this season on RHOBH - she would most likely take this as a compliment. I most likely don't mean it as one. 

I didn't know you were gay, my car needs more work

Adult Depends Whore

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party - that is all 

This is the noise that keeps me awake - that's for me to know and you to find out.

Quiche Lorraine - dinner is served

Shout out to Selma Blair, you get down with your bad self!

Stop being shady, be obscene instead 

Me? I'm serving up eggplant realness right here, right now on the WWW -

https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt   

Michael's Musings

Selfie Portrait
Michael Shinafelt

"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are foot steps on the moon" 

The above quote is life! Read it an absorb it. If you ever told me at 52 I would be my personal best when I was younger, I would have laughed. 

Well surprise, surprise I recently dropped 40 lbs. "Yes" I blew up to 213  and am now down to 173 lbs. Hence the selfie portrait this week. It's me right here, right now. My next goal is to drop to 165. I've got this, and so do you whatever it is you want.Time to get busy!

Life would be so easy if we could all be insincere, luckily most of us can't

Don't go chasing butterflies, especially biracial, bisexual ones

The RHOBH reunion part ince aired this weak, um, I mean week

You, yes you, are dirty and need your booty washed out by cloud soap

Say it, forget it. Write it, regret it.

Don't you love farce? "No" personally I love Yellow Baby Buggy Bumpers 

Just read a headline that states: Taylor Swift Teases - OK, tell me something new

Shout out to Kyla Coleman the recent winner of America's Next Top Model. I admire her fearlessness.

Tom Hardy

Tom Hardy, Tom Hardy, Tom Hardy

My Bitch Face will rest when it's work is done

Get a F#cking EDM Sharpie

Liar, liar ho on fire!

When I think about you I ______ it's time to fill in that blank again kiddies

My finger is on the trigger at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt   

Michael's Musings

The New Black???
Michael Shinafelt

This past week has been a "Stormy" one - get it? wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Pretty much every week is of late. 

Seriously with Easter falling on April Fools Day this weekend I feel so conflicted. Do I hunt for eggs or pull a rabbit out of my butt?

It's time to make a decision, and whatever you do make it yours!

What he said -
"The Stormy Daniels story isn't about Trump having an affair with a porn star. That's not news. It is about his campaign trying to threaten, intimidate and illegally use campaign funds to buy her silence just weeks before the election. Don't let the lurid details overshadow this." - George Takei

I licked it, so it's mine

Started doing an abs class on top of spinning, yoga & boxing - what a feeling!

How much wood can Wesley Woods chuck?

#fashioncompassion "Dear @StormyDaniels, I can only imagine how stressful things must be for you right now. Fashion shouldn’t be one of them. Let me know if you need a sleek ensemble. @teampinup @Laura_Byrnes" - Traci Lords

Hey Shakira, you don't have a monopoly on hips that don't lie

Sometimes I wonder...what? You thought I was going to tell you what that was???

Just saw that someone bit Beyonce, all I want to know is, how did she taste?

Renewed & It Feels So Good
Toni Trucks

A "beep beep" to my spin buddy and one of the stars of CBS' Seal Team, Toni Trucks for it getting picked up for season two

Is there anybody out there?

Unreal on Lifetime really lives up to it's title, I mean that in a good way

I have the hots for Teddi Mellencamp's husband Edwin on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Will someone finally reveal "who let the dogs out?!"

And now for my next trick...

Cut loose, Footloose with me at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt

Michael's Musings

Color Me Curious...
Micheal Shinafelt

“Curiouser and curiouser!” - Alice, Alice in Wonderland

Considering the state of the world we live in, I find this quote from Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland quite appropo.

Sometimes you wake up and feel like you have fallen down a rabbit hole, and other days you feel like you are in another dimension. It's all how you process it that matters. 

Enjoy your personal journey, you only live once minions...

Shout out to Lisa Rinna's Mom Lois on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Seriously that woman at 89 is amazing!

Claim your slut box

Flan

There's a new movement happening: C#nt Power!

I dream of egregious cookware 

Turn the page for an alternate ending

Don't drop bombs (literally, metaphorically....etc.)

Please can it about Kylie Jenner's baby, seriously, you've all seen a baby before. Why is one from a celebrities vagina such a huge deal.

Congratulations to Erika Jayne on the launch of her book Pretty Mess 

Sorry Jennifer Aniston 

Hey Justin Theroux, I'm ready for our one night stand now

While I want a hot body, and have lost 30lbs and counting, I also want mass quantities of pizza

Ready Player One, Really WTF?!

Wake up and smell your _____ burning (the blank is yours)

On that note, follow me at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt 

Michael's Musings

Red Hot? Or Mellow Yellow?
Michael Shinafelt

"Between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before" - Mae West

I don't know about you, but I am feeling quite yummy today. I'd like to try something new. An evil perhaps? Or...use your imagination if you have one, of course you do!

Yellow or red, the choice is yours. Let's smeeeeeeelllll what Michael is cooking!

Kudos to the students who walked out for 17 minutes yesterday in protest of gun violence. One word: amazing!

The Safe Word is: Stormy Daniels

I love the smell of Cheetos and Tuna in the morning...NOT!

Saw one of my favorite partners in crime, Julie McMahon for lunch yesterday at The Cheesecake Factory in Beverly Hills. The more you know.

A friend of mine, thought Erika Jayne was a total "mean girl" for the way she attacked Teddi Mellencamp on RHOBH this week. While I think the punishment was harsher than the crime, I understood Erika's POV.

That's two mentions for Beverly Hills thus far in my column this week, holla!

There needs to be a band named: No Weed For A Bitch

I need Scandal to surprise and thrill me tonight

Notice Augustus Gloop and Donald Trump are never in the same room together?

R.I.P. The amazing, brilliant, one of a kind Stephen Hawking

So excited, there is going to be a live DJ in one of my favorite spin instructors, Jessica's class today at Gold's Gym Hollywood.

How does it feel to want??? Really, tell me.

Dear Martin Shkreli - Karma's a bitch motherf#cker!

Good Morning, I see the assassins have failed

Hit me with your best shot at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt  

Michael's Musings

Want Me To Give U My Pearl Necklace???
Michael Shinafelt

"If I gave you diamonds and pearls, Would you be a happy boy or a girl, If I could I would give you the world, But all I can do is just offer you my love" - Diamonds and Pearls, Prince

This past Sunday the Oscars happened. Today is my Mom's 79th Birthday. Tomorrow is Friday...and the beat goes on.

If you were a dream, what dream would you be? It's time for me to cut loose, footloose with my most random of thoughts. You know you want it!

Frances McDormand had her Oscar stolen while enjoying her win at an after party. WTF was the perpetrator planning on doing with it?! Seriously!

Do you feel dirty now that you are out of the womb?

Fine as a swine, oink!

This shit is why I was a dropout debutante

I would like to expand a little on Barbara Streisand cloning her dog. I don't get the point of cloning, it's not like you can clone a living things soul.

You gotta get outta town and just grow those eyebrows back

There is a Good Witch in my life, of the male variety

So I took which Real Housewife of Beverly Hills are you quiz. I got Lisa Rinna. The more you know.

Adam Rippon, Adam Rippon, Adam Rippon

LA Zoo Story
Me & Mom

Happy Birthday to my Mom, Jan Shinafelt. Love you!

Yep, I have now officially lost 30lbs and counting, mic drop!

I am supposed to report to Jury Duty on Monday FML

Sometimes you need a mid-morning nap with a side of booty

Keeping it alternatively real, is there any other way???

Show me what's in your wallet at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt

Michael's Musings

Seeing Red
Michael Shinafelt

This week I am seeing red, not necessarily in a bad way, maybe somewhere split down the middle.

Perhaps Valentines Day had some sort of influence on my fixation. Or, perhaps not.

What did I do for VD yesterday? Fluff up your pillow & dream...

1,2,3 - 1,2,3 I'm gonna swing from the chandelier!

Let's bump crowns

I had a rockin' photo shoot this past Sunday

Beware of the cross armed hyena

On this weeks RHOBH Erika Jayne brought her assistant to Teddi Mellencamp's beach house and then stayed in a Hotel, alrighty then

Meghan Markle & Kate Middleton are friends, the world can rest in peace now

To my friend & confidant, producer Shani Bayne. Have a fun time skiing in France!

Sometimes, when I am extremely bored I think to myself: If I were one of the Spice Girls what would I do?

Special Delivery Package
Jon Hamm

Who else besides me wants to be a pair of Jon Hamm's pants? Holla!

Stormy Daniels, your check is in the mail

Why?

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Make it rain

Get your red on with me at:

https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en

https://twitter.com/MShinafelt  

Michael's Musings

Fighter
Michael Shinafelt

" 'Cause it makes me that much stronger, Makes me work a little bit harder, It makes me that much wiser, So thanks for making me a fighter" - Fighter, Christina Aguilera 

We've all got battles to pick and choose from on a daily basis. Your strategy is always different for each one you plan to fight.

Pick wisely and make sure you know WTF you're doing grasshopper. 

Time to let the sh!t fly!

When I'm in the mood for International I expect to be delighted

My favorite RHOBH quote of the season thus far: "Dorit is a bottomless pit of bullshit" - Camille Grammer

Let a prick enjoy their bagel & mimosa in peace!

Speaking of pricks, Donald Trump. Yeah I know it was an easy shot, but I couldn't resist

No matter what, no one wants your pity boner

Just when you thought DSL was an acronym that referred to your computer, along comes Dick Sucking Lips to confuse the F#ck out of you. Beware the next time someone uses DSL it may not mean what you think...

Create art, destroy monotony 

I spoke to a customer service rep this past week named "Sunshine" 

It looks like Allison Janney is a shoo in for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for I, Tonya

Too bad Margot Robbie won't win, I thought she was brilliant as Tonya Harding

I tend to wake up at 4 am on my own. The more you know.

Cloned Monkeys would have never enabled a government shutdown

On that note: "Your mind will always believe everything you tell it. Feed it faith. Feed it truth. Feed it with love."

Here I am at
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt   

Michael's Musings

Voices Carry
Michael Shinafelt

"I try so hard not to get upset, Because I know all the trouble I'll get" Till Tuesday, "Voices Carry"

Abuse is a hot button issue, as it should be. With it all over the place of late it brought to mind the great 80's hit song "Voices Carry" which addresses that very subject matter.

I say have a voice and let that shit carry, i know that's what I am doing! 

There's a new acronym in town W.I.A.D. - ask Shani Bayne about it.

Sometimes you just have to say, whatever the _____ you please!

Yoga is the key to anal sex

Once upon a time, there was a chocolate sundae and they called it...

WTF with the limp noodle song Havana by Camila Cabello?!

Kesha's Praying (which I love) is brilliant 

Please powers that be, let there be unicorns

Wasn't Brooke Shields terrific in her story arc on Law & Order: SVU?

Today is Tubby Custard Thursday!

Politics? My ass is too tired to go there

Double Oink!

Name something unusual you like getting naked for

I'm so feeling Teddi Mellencamp on RHOBH. She's simply the best!

"If you've had enough, don't put up with his stuff, don't you do it, If you've had your fill, get the check pay the bill, you can do it" - Enough Is Enough, Barbara Streisand & Donna Summer


If you've had enough you know where to fine me at:
https://www.instagram.com/michaelshinafelt/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/MShinafelt